Not many people know this—and fewer care—but I have a
number of free-range brain cells assigned to monitor my random thoughts,
speculations and bemusements and occasionally write them down to pass along to
others.
Here are the latest.
*I doubt God ever has negative
emotions, but if He did, I'm pretty sure He must gaze down on Earth every so
often with a Divine case of Buyer's Remorse.
*This is absolutely true. There was
an article recently that said some people may be “sexually aroused” by the act
of passing wind. Apparently this farting club is exclusive and secretive, with
bylaws, ID Cards, and a secret handshake that involves a lot of finger pulling.
*If Joe Biden decides to run for President, I’ve
got his campaign slogan: “Laugh if you will but have you seen the idiots I’d be running against?"
*Is there a foolproof way to check
for spelling errors before posting on the Internet but without the aggravation
of Autocorrect? I'm asking for a fiend.
*I try very hard to be tolerant in
all matters, yet every day, there is Lactose, sitting in the corner, taunting
me.
*I overheard my dog on the phone today. Apparently, he's in the market for a new human.
*As part of a new policy to help
raise the intelligence and computer savvy of their customers, the Apple Store
recently asked me to please shop somewhere else.
*There are few things more satisfying
than writing a good joke and getting a positive response from one's peers. Just
like sex, if memory serves.
*My car is at that awkward stage between
being an old klunker and an antique classic. So am I. The difference is a lube
and filter rarely does me much good.
*Friday is the day you sit around
looking forward to Monday, the day you sit around lamenting your most recent
lousy weekend.
*I have an invisible friend. I
haven't heard from him in, oh, maybe 35 years, so it's possible he quit.
*A new study says cats are not
dependent on humans. I can't wait to tell Precious
Whiskerface she now has to go out and purchase her own balls of twine.
*I got a bad case of the blues
yesterday. I had a deal set to trade them for a case of yellows and reds, but
found out Blue is a primary color and can't be traded.
*I once asked my priest what it was like
to never have sex. He said, based on your confessions, it's like the first 30
years of your life.
*I just realized that if Abraham
Lincoln hadn't been assassinated, he'd probably be dead by now anyway.
*If you are a football fan, be sure
to tune in early to all Patriots games for the ceremonial inflation check of
Tom Brady's Balls
*The best thing about getting up
early is you can get a head start on the day's drinking.
*When that guy was writing
"Little Drummer Boy" and he came up with "arum-pa-bump-bum"
did he stop and think, oh hell THAT will make it a hit?
*I may be a little fuzzy today; the
voices in my head were out late drinking last night
*I'm no studio executive, but I'd pay
good money to see a remake of The Sound of Music with Pigmies.
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