Forgive me a Humble-Brag but I
recently finished 19th out of about 5500 funny people in a
joke-writing contest on Comedywire.com. The two month long, daily-submission
contest earned me a sparkling $50 in prize money. I plan to spend it on home gourmet
yoghurt, yak futures and new pin-striping for the Buick.
Here are a sprinkling of jokes I’ve written,
one or two of which may even be funny.
(Comedywire
Topic/setup in Bold Type)
Staff
at French McDonald's fired for selling drugs via drive-thru
In related news,
forensic exams showed the drugs had more nutritional value than the Happy Meals
they served.
China,
Taiwan Leaders Meet For First Time In 66 Years
They had a few laughs,
caught up on recent events and decide to annex Japan
Man 'with horse's neck' shows why you shouldn't drink a lot
As a general rule you're more likely to run into horses asses who drink too much
Top 10 Reasons for Cancelled Concerts
Termites got to all of Zamfir's Pan Flutes
Top
10 Unneeded Confessions by Ben Carson
I could never remember
if it's 'Measure twice, cut once' or the other way around. (6)
Decision
to award 2018 World Cup to Russia was "fixed"
Corruption in Russia?
I'll alert the media.
Some
fish can count higher than others
And any parent who's
ever bought his kid a couple of guppies knows, all fish can multiply
Woman
escapes jail after stealing another inmate's identity
Doesn't she know she can
get in trouble for that?
Drunken driver falls asleep waiting to pay at Midtown Tunnel
First two things he said when awakened were "I am not drunk Officer" and "Where the hell is my Big Mac and Fries?"
Top
10 Practical Jokes to Play on Aging Parents
It's always fun to slip
stool softener into their afternoon tea, but as I learned, first make sure the
Will is locked down .
Runaway
blimp crash-lands after wild chase by F-16s
How
is Donald Trump coping with his polling slump
With his usual grace,
understatement and class.
Make
Up a New Religion and Who Would Be the Leader
Sciencealism. I'd
pick a movie star to head it and have it based on aliens sent here to blow up
our volcanos, and--get this--you gotta pay to pray!
Longtime bestialist caught trying to trade sex with his dog
for intercourse with miniature horses
Iike to go to a party
with this guy, just to introduce him. "Jim here is a standup comedian. I'd
like to introduce you to Allen, who is a longtime beastialist.
Big Ass Schnauzer.
Comedy Gold. "Hey lady, wanna see my Big Ass Schnauzer?" The show practically writes itself.
Lincoln
Chafee drops out of Presidential race.
A mighty Oak Tree has
fallen in the forest. This has nothing to do with Chaffee dropping out, just
wanted to mention it.
Cans
of 'Boiled Parrot' ruffle feathers in San Francisco
Tastes a little bit like
chicken.
Texans
discover 'Texas' means 'crazy' in Norway
Texas means crazy
everywhere, including Texas
Lumber
Liquidators pleads guilty to timber trafficking, agrees to Pay $13 Million
The hardest part was
getting the Mules to swallow a 2"x 4"
The
Perils of 'Grooming' Yourself for a New Lover
To avoid these worries
I've accumulated the second largest collection of Merkins this side of the
Atlantic.
