BreakingSatire Bits 33114

BREAKINGSATIRE Saw an ad here offering to "Streamline Your Twitter." My uncle hired a guy to do that and now he's a registered sex offender.

BREAKINGSATIRE: Variety reports "The Situation" got a green light for his own TV series. So now I don't care if Yellowstone blows up or not.

BREAKINGSATIRE: U.S. to require backup cameras by 2018. Tea Party already has them on tinfoil helmets to look way back in past for policies.

BREAKINGSATIRE: Asiana says SF plane crash partly due to "Bad Software." Will discipline Software, keep rolled up newspaper in cockpits.

BREAKINGSATIRE: Good day. Had the opportunity to introduce my Invisible Friend to the Guy from the NSA who reads my emails.

BREAKINGSATIRE: We're a tad concerned we may be losing our magic touch. Recently we have the feeling some where someone is not PO'd at us.

BREAKINGSATIRE: We have been feel GREAT ever since our doctor prescribed a new Placebo designed to prevent death from Natural Causes.

ASK CORK 322-1

"Wasting his life on the Interweb so you don't have to"

QUESTION: I'm kind of old-fashioned, so I like to hold the door open for women. Is that so wrong?---H. Hefner

ANSWER: I'm old-fashioned too. I'm so old-fashioned I drink "Old Fashions." I'm a door-holder-opener myself and most of the time I'll get a friendly wave or comment like, "I can do it myself, Fatso." (That may have been Gloria Steinem. Or George Stephanopob... Steninoapa...Stevenoppo... it was probably Steinem.) 

But I no longer open doors for women going into coffee shops when I'm jonesing for my morning Latte. That's because the woman then inevitably sprints away to get in line ahead of me. She then orders Cappuccinos for her extended family, the entire Little League team, or all the nuns in her Convent.  

Some say Johnny, that's a little petty on your part. Some may even call me persnickety. Some may call me Ray. Some may call me Ray Jay. But you doesn't has to call me Johnny.  

While I've got you here, I'm also upset about Global Climate Change, that there's still no cure for Prickly Heat, and that the only time I opened the door for Madonna, she flipped me off. No, wait--that time it was George Stephanopoulos.

As always your comments are invited, but don't forget, ASK CORK is snarky.