A friend recently posted that she
had become upset when she caught her then 17-year-old son having sex with his
girlfriend. Always one to be helpful, here is my advice to her:
“We all have our sexual traumas throughout our
lives, but people are emotionally flexible and often survive these events
undaunted. My first such incident was when my Parish Priest brought me into his
office, closed the door, dimmed the lights, and put on some Johnny Mathis. He
got out the Sacramental wine, pour two glasses and then told me he "only
liked me as a friend." He polishd off both glasses and said he much
preferred the dark, hulking, type Altar Boy. I've tried to be darker and
hulkinger ever since.
Then, when I was only 19, my Dad tried to explain
the birds and bees to me using a GI Joe
doll plus actual birds and bees. It was going well until he accidentally
knocked the hive loose with his pointing stick. GI Joe was stung multiple times
on his Chiliwhacker, and Dad suffered three stings, two on his hands and one to
his pointing stick.
His next attempt involved describing how sex works
by explaining how he bred our beloved pet Boxer. Now I can't get in the mood
without a couple of Dog Yummies first, and can't finish unless someone throws a
bucket of water on me. I've lost a number of partners that way, including Aqua
Woman.
But as you can see, I've turned out normal enough, so I'm sure your son
will too. I hold out little hope for you, however."
A
CorkComment360. Comedic insights, advice and inaccuracies in 360 words or
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