Don't Piss Off the Bees

A friend recently posted that she had become upset when she caught her then 17-year-old son having sex with his girlfriend. Always one to be helpful, here is my advice to her:

“We all have our sexual traumas throughout our lives, but people are emotionally flexible and often survive these events undaunted. My first such incident was when my Parish Priest brought me into his office, closed the door, dimmed the lights, and put on some Johnny Mathis. He got out the Sacramental wine, pour two glasses and then told me he "only liked me as a friend." He polishd off both glasses and said he much preferred the dark, hulking, type Altar Boy. I've tried to be darker and hulkinger ever since.

Then, when I was only 19, my Dad tried to explain the birds and bees to me using a GI Joe doll plus actual birds and bees. It was going well until he accidentally knocked the hive loose with his pointing stick. GI Joe was stung multiple times on his Chiliwhacker, and Dad suffered three stings, two on his hands and one to his pointing stick.

His next attempt involved describing how sex works by explaining how he bred our beloved pet Boxer. Now I can't get in the mood without a couple of Dog Yummies first, and can't finish unless someone throws a bucket of water on me. I've lost a number of partners that way, including Aqua Woman.

But as you can see, I've turned out normal enough, so I'm sure your son will too. I hold out little hope for you, however."

A CorkComment360. Comedic insights, advice and inaccuracies in 360 words or less, designed to better serve you, the distracted, multi-tasking, short-attention-spanned, dimwitted Reader.